WHOSE THE BIGGER ASS?

?

I am sorry to say that the picture that I wanted for this piece has been lost.  It was taken when we were in a recreated "Nazareth in the year 15 AD" model village and I was standing near a prime example of an ass.  An Aussie classmate of ours took the picture and stated that he had taken it so that he could have it examined to see who was actually the bigger ass.  Yup, three weeks into the relationship and he already had me pegged.  I have been this way ever since I was real small, I think.  I would come home after school in the first grade and hear my mother tell me that Mrs. so and so had reported to Mom that I had no respect for my elders.  Yeah, not kidding.  I remember telling my mother one time that I had been impolite to this one crabby old lady because she had been un-nice to me.
Worse than that though is this problem that I have with my mouth.  I always think that I am Oh, so cute!  It has been nearly all my life that I have been twisting people's noses with my mouth, sometimes on purpose but by and large, just because of bad judgement.  I want to learn how to shut up, but then, I suppose, it wouldn't be me.  It's really frustrating to hurt someone you love, or even someone you just only "like" just because you're too stupid to keep your tongue in tow.  That's bad enough, but if you know me, you know that I can saw you in half on purpose if the moment calls for it.  I don't get too many of those moments, but when I do I don't usually flub the opportunity.  
You know that I am an ass; The Voice from the Kitchen knows I'm an ass; everyone who knows me, knows that I'm an ass.  YIKES, I know that I'm an ass.  The other day I hear from the kitchen, "I can't figure out if I knew then what I know now if I would have ever married you.  You are so bad.  Getting worse, too.  Why didn't I see it before?  I was so madly in love that I must not have known what I was doing."  By the way, that was on one of my GOOD days.  I hadn't done anything yet, it was breakfast time!  I do want to say one thing, not in my defense, cause I got none of that, but just for general knowledge.  I know myself well enough that if you tell me that I was stupid enough to say or do anything that hurt you, I'll admit it, apologize and hope that you will get over it as fast as I will.  Sometimes, like now, I know that I sideswiped someone I love very dearly a couple days ago.  I didn't think so until after it happened.  It's crazy, but it's me and it ain't easy being green, as Kermit used to say.  But worse than that, it also ain't easy living with the green monster.  I know it and I'm amazed every single day that there are still people out there who still love me.  For those of you who are going to come to my funeral just to make sure that it is true, get in line, because you're going to be in the vast majority.  Hee-Haw.
Finally, for all of you that I have hurt past and present, realize that I love you except if I already told you that I don't...and you would not be receiving this if you fell into the second category.  So lighten up.  Don't you just hate these serious "Thoughts"?  xoxo