LESS IS BETTER-- WILLIAM OF OCKHAM

Now you're going to hear about my Dell computer.

This is a short comment about my laptop computer.

If it were a "he" I wonder what I'd call the laptop then.

Would it be that I would say "My laptop can't come put he?"

As it turns out we all know that laptops go away when we stand.

Except that when the laptop is a Dell, then even if you sit

Your laptop will go away and you will wish it went to Hell.

So, com put her here, but be sure she's not a Dell

And if you err and that's really what she is, oh Hell!

You will see your laptop disappear while you work

And leave you sitting there feeling like a jerk

Because you will find that where a laptop should be

there will be a lap but sure as Hell it won't be a Dell.

Here's the story.  

Those of you who have attained a "certain age" can certainly remember the Three Stooges and the automobile that would not start. They call the automobile repair engineer and with frenetic gestures explain that the car won't start.  So they open the hood and he disappears from view for a few moments while to or three minor parts fly out from behind the raised hood. He reappears and tells one of them to try to make it start.  So Moe, I guess, goes out in front and cranks away, but to no avail.  The "expert" dives back into the inner bowels of the contraption and out fly some more substantial looking elements of what an automobile should need.  He then surfaces again and gives the same command.  Crank, crank, crank, NOTHING.  He disappears again and this time the parts that come out are truly essential...distributor cap, alternator, radiator, fan belt and a few more.  He is now greased up, sweaty and a bunch of other adjectives, not to mention almost dejected. There is a significant pile of essential automobile hardware piled up not too far from the car.  He does, however, give Moe the signal to give 'er a crank.  A good one this time.  The punch line is that after a half-turn of the crank that car nearly dances for joy, runs like a Swiss watch and everybody is happy.  The "Engineer" takes all the parts, throws then in the back of his donkey cart and leaves the happy Stooges dancing in ecstasy as he disappears into the sunset.

Turns out my Dell is like that.  Granted I only paid $450 for it some four or five years ago, but it has never been perfect, as computers are supposed to be.  The battery never worked, so I replaced it.  I had to pay half.  That made me very happy. The new battery, fresh from the Chinese factory, I think, worked like Ol' New York for all of about 6 weeks and died.  I figured that I would do without it.

Some 8 to ten weeks later, the DVD/CD drive which I hardly ever use anyway, proved to be useless, and noisy to boot.  I removed it, threw it out, went to Best Buy, spent $35.00 and got a perfectly wonderful plug-in through a USB port.  Three years later, it still works perfectly.  Last night, my computer started to slow down and then suddenly went dark.  I unplugged it, plugged it in again, pressed "go" and it went...75% and then went dark again.  So I pressed "go" again and this time it went to about 50% before going dark.  Hmmm.  I don't know why, but I suspected the battery.  Look, at 1:00 AM you can suspect anything.  There's no one around to ridicule and disparage you, so you think what you think and do what you do and the full moon be damned.  So I removed the battery, pressed "go" and the sweetheart has sped up faster than ever and is running as slick as snot every since.  It's a good thing that they have electricity in all those third world countries like France, Italy, Spain, Germany, Austria and the likes of them. Who needs a battery anyhow? That's when I thought of the Three Stooges.  So that's my computer story.  The little doggerel at the top of the piece is something that I did before diving into bed for my overnight snooze. 

So whatever you do, be sure that when you sit, your lap has a top and that when you stand, your top has no lap. If it's a Dell, you won't have far to look...It's stuck in the trap that usually has other purposes than processing electronic data.