LIAR, LIAR, PANTS ON PHIAR

WHAT TH...???

Hey, now we're gonna have some fun.  I got ambushed by a thought today.  As usual when I am driving on the highway, my head is going at least as fast as the car.  A mile a minute right?  Do not ask me why, but the little saying about the liar and the fiery pants crashed though the mental wall of indifference.  I started playing with my grey matter mush trying to make some $25.00 words like prevarication fit into the cute little saying.  It didn't work.  Somehow, Prevaricator, prevaricator incendiary trousers doesn't quite make it.  So I got to playing with the question, "What is a lie?"  I know what they told me in Philosophy and Theology.  "A lie is a statement that a person makes that is intentionally different from what the speaker knows to be the truth in order to deceive the hearer."
That is the absolute state of the question...or the answer.  The topic gets interesting when the follow-up questions come crashing into the space between your ears and behind your eyes..."Is lying always wrong?"  Ouch!  It gets humorous when you hearken back to your parochial school days and ask yourself, "What would sister Anne Marie of the Crossing Guard Guardian Angels say?"  You know, I had her in third grade and she would never have considered half the things I thought of today.  So, I dropped that question and proceeded to enjoy myself with some of the following questions:
"When there's a guy on first base and you kick second base back 10 inches or so when no one is looking, is that wrong?"  [Guilty as charged]
"Is bluffing at cards, even in "polite" games like pinochle or bridge, a lie?  Is it wrong?  [Guilty as charged]  [I'm re-reading this and I'm asking myself, "since when is Bridge a 'polite' game?"]
"Is telling your third cousin from across town that you can't make it to the Sunday afternoon party because you have an important previous commitment, when you know that you don't, wrong?" [Guilty as charged]
When I was driving on a schedule and the dispatcher would ask for my location, I always gave myself an allowance for speed, you know, a mile or so!  Ya know what?  Yeah, that's a lie.  But I don't do that any more.  The Dispatcher from the Kitchen can't be fooled that easily.
In a more general way, is it a lie if the person to whom you are speaking know that it is a lie?  Don't tell me that you don't know what I'm talking about here.   How about when you're sick as a dog and your dear friend comes over to visit you in bed and asks, "How ya doin'?"  and you say, "I'm fine."  Ha! Gotcha!  That's a lie.  Absolutely, it is.  Relatively?  I don't think so.  [I'm guilty of that too]
How about the accepted truth that certain patterns of speech are ruses which are easily recognizable because of common practice?  Like, for instance, "Where ya goin'?"  "Just downtown"  You might be tempted to ask, "Do you always wear a three-piece suit to go 'just downtown'?"  But you know that you've just been told to mind your own business.  To that I say, "No harm, no foul."
When you hear the Secretary say, "Mr. C.U. Knightly is occupied for the rest of the day" you know that the stercus taurorum is piled pretty high.  However, that's probably not a lie because presumably the old guy is, in fact occupied ... with something, or someone.  But even if it is a lie, we're not fooled, so, Ho-Hum.
Bottom line:  I pride myself for the facility that I have of saying things straight out.  I offend a lot of people with that behavior.  To tell it all, I do also obey certain conventional niceties because I consider them to be non-offensive balm on some of the smaller irritations that we encounter in life.  I have been trying over the last few years to be more comical about the direct stuff.  You know, the sugar coated pill, thing.  Problem there is that not everyone has the same sensitivity to what I find funny, or even just smiley.  So, comedy doesn't always work.  I mean, how many ways can you say "Bozo" or "Buffoon" and make it sound funny?  
Take it easy, y'all.   Keep your pocket fire extinguisher handy.