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| THIS DICK AIN'T DUCKIN' |
Lately, past day or two, because "Santa Claus is Coming to Town" has been in my ear, I was thinking about the "naughty or nice" part. I was assailed by a bunch of pictures about some of the bullets that I have dodged in my life. Most of them lead to some laughs, actually,proving my father's axiom about life, "when things go wrong, start laughing now because you'll laugh at this when you think of it five years from now." I am not going to get specific and long winded here, but I do have a few that are safe for mixed company. I'll start with the one that is the most insane, but the least morally questionable.
1. Sliding my sled down Spring Street Extension when it was rather icy. Just once. I am still alive, and that means that my guardian angel hadn't bailed on me.
2. Putting live bullets (9 mm luger) into the incinerator just to see what they would do. They popped, of course, and I was rather disappointed about that. Not really the kick I wanted. Booorrrrinngggggg.
3. Cutting old lady Lewis' clothesline on cabbage night. Talk about sweet immorality.
4. Attending about 50% of my scheduled classes during the last year of university. I wish I could say that I was home studying all that time, but I can't, so I won't. I did discover some great German beers that year, though. I did graduate with honors too. The Italian (Roman) wine is what did it. BTW, 50% is an exaggeration on the plus side.
5. Struck out 3 times in the championship baseball game for that season and stranded two runners in scoring position. I always blamed it on the fact that I had been hanging around with the village skank most of the afternoon, but I don't know how valid that is. Point is, I hardly ever struck out. The bullet I dodged was that we won anyway and no one ever found out about the other thing.
("Til now, of course.)
6. One time, we were entertaining the family in San Diego and we ran out of wine. I jumped in the car and went to the super market a mile away. I bought the wine, jumped back in the car and headed back for home. I had to wait for a light. Sitting there, I got rammed in the back, just as a cop cruiser was taking a left at the light and he saw the whole thing. I was driving a van and the guy who hit me had a Toyota "Z" and two small children with no seats to hold them. I got out, I talk to the cop and we're friendly, but he's really tightly wrapped about the other guy. I look as the back of the van and everything is cool and I suddenly realize that I must smell like a wine cellar. So I say to the cop, "Ain't nothing wrong with my car, so I think I'll just be shoveling off!" He says, with a nice sweet smile, "Sure, Digger, I can handle this. Drive carefully." I smile and zip off, knowing that I had just dodged a canon shot.
7. This is the prize winner. I'm about 12. It's winter. I throw a snowball at a bunch of "Harpies" from Holy Rosary who are on the other side of the street. The missile goes awry and right through an old lady's window. Now, this "Frog" is in deeeeep &%$(*@#.
I take my medicine like a man. I go talk to the lady. I give her my father's name and our address and she says that she'll send us the bill. Well, I had a plan. I would just intercept the mail and no one would ever know. Let me tell you, Satan must have been wanting to put a move on me, because as a matter of fact I was able to intercept that mail. You all know that guardian angels don't play dirty like that. I remember it like it was yesterday. The bill was for $1.50. I also remembered that a lot of people did not have telephones, especially older people like that lady. You are the first to hear this confession.
PS Denis, if you are reading this, this happened in Russell Mayo's neighborhood and I think we were walking together since I was going to get the bus one block up from the car barn stop. Maybe you might have been there too. Oh well, that's my story Santa, and even YOU did not get to know about it.
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