Frankly I could have chosen a better venue, but I had to pass the time so I opted for the humor.
1. 25 years ago. I haven't been to the dentist in perhaps five or six years. The Voice from the Kitchen got so strident that I gave in. I stopped by a dental clinic on the way home from work and I fell in love. The dentist was an old man's dream to look at. Oh, was it ever going to be easy to get past the pain in this environment. So, of course I set up and appointment for the initial screening visit.
Three days later, here I am again and there is my ANGEL. We sit down and we start talking business. Big mistake. The woman is straight from Dante's 7th level! Complain about the fact that it is impossible to make a living with the low remuneration schedules that the insurance company offers. I nod my head for about 20 minutes and she says, "I'll proceed to the examination now."
I say, "Sorry, my dinner is waiting. I'll be sure to floss before going to bed." I have not seen a better looking dentist in 25 years.
2. 9 years ago. Another good looking dentist, and a true angel with gossamer wings. I love this person. I like the black Korean eyes that caress my pain away even before the pain starts. It's about the 6th visit when I am in the home stretch of a long treatment plan. I always have long treatment plans because my visits to the dentist are very, very few and far between. Anyway, we are now in the home stretch of a root canal procedure and I hear my angel gulp and say beneath her breath, "OOPSS.! I immediately start shaking with laughter, raise my left hand as a signal to interrupt. Her eyes are laughing and we look at one another and I say simply, "OOPSS, eh?" I thought I had her, but I didn't. She came back and she said, "Thank God I didn't say "shit." It took us five minutes to settle down so that she could get back to work.
3. 9 years ago. Same clinic. The owner is always in the hallway cornering clients and pushing extra cosmetic services. One day about halfway through the treatment plan mentioned above he cornered me as I was heading for the door to leave, and said, "You should get implants, they will give you more self-esteem." (Aside, did you all get that?)
I say, "Boss, I don't get my self esteem from my teeth. I get it from a source somewhat south of there." He and I saw one another in the hallway again,of course, but my self esteem was never again mentioned.
4. Two days ago. Different provider. Totally different atmosphere. Latest technology. Friendly, young dentist. Friendly, good looking assistants. I am now in the middle of a rather protracted treatment plan, of course. Four days before the humorous incident, I had a tooth crumble and what was left was a very sharp stump. It is one that had to be taken out, next to another one that had to go. Since the sharp edges were sawing my tongue in half, I asked for an extraction of the two side by side bad boys as quickly as possible. REQUEST GRANTED.
Enter. No wait. Come in, sit down, open your mouth,turn this way...Hmmm, OH, yeah, mean.
Shot,shot, wait for anesthetic to set in, Open mouth,insert forceps, wiggle, wiggle, yank, yank. Done!
Up flies my left hand, wagging two fingers ferociously (I can't talk 'cause his hands are still in my craw).
He backs away, and I say, "You have to take out the neighboring one too."
He says, "Why? It's still in perfect shape."
I say, that's not what you said a month ago."
So now the three of us don't know whether to cry or laugh. We opt for the laugh. The young lady (third hand, type) offers to go get the chart. The dentist fires up the electronic record of the tooth we are talking about and there it stands in all its glory, healthy as it was when I was 21 years old. I spare you the entirety of the joviality that took place, but we did enjoy ourselves while the error was found and corrected and I still have the tooth and the co-pay that I saved.
So see, dentists are not all that bad...except the for the stunningly good looking ones!
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